This is an online textbook devoted to exploring the real history of the United States of America. Little is known about the actual Founding Fathers. How many were there? What were their names? Was George Washington actually a steamborg?
We answered all these questions and more. Everything is true.
Except for all of it.
We spread the truth every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on the website. Tuesday and Thursday are Twitter days. Sometimes Saturdays, if the truth is lucky. It’s been a very bad truth recently. BAD truth.
We are…
Lazlo Gump (b. unknown)
A 3rd degree black belt and expert tunneler, hails from a long line of sappers and demolitionists. He is the last surviving member of the Gump clan, the rest having been wiped out in the annual Gump Family Civil War of ‘01. Lazlo is entirely self-educated, including how to read and write. He once got out of $10,000 in parking tickets by running away and joining the Renaissance Fair as an axe-thrower. These days, Lazlo can often be found at his one room shack in the Appalachians, scribbling furiously by oil lamp and tending to his family legacy: the vast and inter-connected series of tunnels known only as Gumpfordshire. Lazlo’s hobbies include moonshine, bear-baiting, TEFL, and planning for the day that the “signal” will be received and Gumpfordshire detonated, bringing the local tri-county area to its knees. Standing at five feet and three inches, Lazlo is only slightly shorter than his beard.
Thaddeus T. Cabberpatch PhD. (b. 1537)
Thaddeus belongs to numerous secret societies throughout Europe and Indochina including, but not limited to: the Masons, the Skulls, the Illuminati, the Cryps, the Bloods, the Saucers, the Moshers, the Moonies, the Loonies, the Bastards, the Quakers, the Candlestick Makers and the Jews. He spends his time in his jungle compound located on the south side of Shangri-La playing backgammon with his pet monkey Burt Reynolds. Many think he earned his undergraduate degree from Three Rivers Community College, but, in actuality, he earned it after silently assassinating several members of the CIA and the Turkish government. He attained his doctorate in US History online from the University of Phoenix.
Gertie J. Schwa (b. 1920)
Gertie is an American writer and illustrator best known for her children’s books Don’t Sit There and Itchy Witchy Crabs: Ointments and Other Remedies. She is the proud recipient of the Morris T. Biggins Award for Straightforward Prose. She currently resides with her fifth husband and their twelve dogs in Zook Spur, Iowa. The rotting smell seeping up through the floorboards is, she assures you, purely coincidental.
Oh! Change “seeping” to “wafting”. Smells don’t seep. Your mom would be really mad about that.
