The Founding F*cking Fathers

Or

The True, Uncensored History of the United States of America

Or

Things that are entirely made up, but are true nonetheless

Or

That’s a lie. They all are. All are lies.

Or

NOTE TO SELF: OUT OF SANDWICH MEATS. BUY MORE SANDWICH MEATS…

Or

Wait...damnation.

TERMS TO KNOW #39: GWU

On his deathbed, George Washington had only three requests. 1) Don’t let Rush near his corpse with those damn forceps, 2) Make sure that Jefferson doesn’t eat him and 3) Don’t ever name an institution of higher learning after him. And with that final breath he passed on. Those in attendance, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Alexander Hamilton and Samuel Adams all looked at each other and all realized something…they could make millions of dollars on a fake university. Hamilton said that they really should be thinking about the fact that their leader and first president had died, but John Adams slapped him across the face. After Jefferson finished his first course of Washington’s right thigh, he laid out the plan.

Within weeks, George Washington University opened in Washington D.C. Each father taught a list of ‘classes’ such as Madison’s “How to Breathe Fire 103”, John Adams’ “How to Get Beaten Like a Man 212”, Samuel Adams “Um…I’ll Figure it Out Later 301" and Jefferson’s "Come Visit me in the Basement 101 - All Freshmen Welcome.” They charged exorbitant fees while placing all of their students in crippling debt. They, of course, named it after the corpse that had given them the idea in the first place. Washington himself taught several classes such as “………………. 102" and "I’m a Dead Body 312”. Both had waiting lists hundreds of students long.

I will now show you how to get beaten like a man. John Quincy, get up here. See his first mistake? He is not a man. He is a late abortion. Let’s see how he reacts when I beat him senseless.

~ John Adams, three time recipient of ‘Father of the Year’.

Fig. 148: The only question on the final was: “What did I do?” Nobody passed.

Fig. 148: The only question on the final was: “What did I do?” Nobody passed.

Fig. 147: This is why he was never allowed to do diplomacy. He thought any speaking a foreign language was just speaking English very, very wrong.

Fig. 147: This is why he was never allowed to do diplomacy. He thought any speaking a foreign language was just speaking English very, very wrong.

Fig. 146: Alexander Hamilton soon realized that he had severely misunderstood the focus of Jefferson’s Orphan Love 101 class.

Fig. 146: Alexander Hamilton soon realized that he had severely misunderstood the focus of Jefferson’s Orphan Love 101 class.

Fig. 145: The next day, Rush had to perform his own testicle retrieval surgery. Luckily for him, all those years of yoga really came in handy.

Fig. 145: The next day, Rush had to perform his own testicle retrieval surgery. Luckily for him, all those years of yoga really came in handy.

Fig. 144: Adams’ class is still taught in George Washington University today. Instead of Alexander Hamiltons, the classes use nubile freshmen as examples. Parents, take note: don’t send your children to George Washington University. They’re rapists.

Fig. 144: Adams’ class is still taught in George Washington University today. Instead of Alexander Hamiltons, the classes use nubile freshmen as examples. Parents, take note: don’t send your children to George Washington University. They’re rapists.

Fig. 143: It is said that in the heat of battle Franklin would grab his tomatoes and wield them like a medieval flail. This is because they were also spiked.

Fig. 143: It is said that in the heat of battle Franklin would grab his tomatoes and wield them like a medieval flail. This is because they were also spiked.

TERMS TO KNOW #38: Four Square

One long, lazy summer afternoon in the late summer of 1786, Thomas Jefferson stared out upon the green, sprawling, finely-trimmed lawn of his Monticello estates. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, everything was peaceful and well and good. In short, he was bored. Terribly, awfully bored. So he decided to make himself unbored, he decided to invent a game. First he paved a square of his lawn with concrete and then laid out a white chalk grid consisting of four equal-sized squares. He then grabbed a large rubber ball, called his friends Benjamin Franklin, Benjamin Rush and Alexander Hamilton and began…The game proceeded without incident and in fact very closely resembles the game as it is played today. Everyone didn’t know what to say. In fact, Franklin started crying and asked Jefferson what was wrong, telling him that “he didn’t seem himself today. For Hamilton, however, it was probably the happiest day of his life. “Things were looking for up old Hammy. Oh yes they were!” Five minutes later he was lying on the ground, a large rubber ball lodged firmly up his rectum and the men around him laughing uproariously. Order, it would seem, had finally been restored.

Hamilton, this is a new game we’ve invented. It’s called five square. I’ll stand in this square, Franklin in that one, Rush in that one, Miss Hemmings in that one and then you’ll stand in the fifth square…which is located in Connecticut. God speed.

~ Thomas Jefferson, setting up a longstanding tradition of incredibly corrupt refereeing in American sports.

Fig. 142: The sex position. Not the spinning thing. Though Franklin’s involved a lot of spinning as well. Also, bats.

Fig. 142: The sex position. Not the spinning thing. Though Franklin’s involved a lot of spinning as well. Also, bats.

TERMS TO KNOW #37: Sam Adams - Vampire Befriender

It was a cold night in 1799. The fog rolled in gently from the Charles River. Four friends marched along the bank, singing a jaunty song as they chugged their drinks. Before long, they came across the Granary Graveyard. Within they discovered Samuel Adams who, after nineteen daquiris was pretty lit. The second he saw the friends, he cried out with joy and immediately hugged them all promising that he ‘had no garlic or wooden stakes of any kind’. Though bemused, the four friends accepted Adams’ offer to give them a free drink. When he produced his neck for biting, the men offered each other looks of befuddlement. Adams laughed it off and took them to the nearby tavern where he graciously and meticulously invited each of them inside. They spent the evening drink and telling stories. It became clear after a drink that Adams was convinced that all four men were actually what he referred to as ‘Sexy Bitchin’ Vampyres’. None of the men understood what he meant, but as long as the booze was flowing, they were content.

At around 4 in the morning, after Adams had begged them to turn him fifteen times, the governor of Massachusetts had one of his patented ‘Sammy A Super-Mood Swings' (TM) and transformed into Sam Adams: Vampire Fucker-Upper. Before the four friends understood what was occurring, Adams stabbed each of them with a chair leg. If they had survived, the friends would have agreed it was the worst bachelor party ever.

No, seriously…seriously, I’m being serious now…Look a me! I’m super serious…I’d make a fucking AWESOME vampire…
Wait…wait a second…you guys are vampires? I’M GONNA FUCK YOU UP!

~ Samuel Adams, always a wild card

Fig. 141: Little known fact - Samuel Adams’ taste buds were more accurate than today’s DNA tests.

Fig. 141: Little known fact - Samuel Adams’ taste buds were more accurate than today’s DNA tests.

Fig. 140: It was co-written by Thomas Jefferson. And it wasn’t a martini…

Fig. 140: It was co-written by Thomas Jefferson. And it wasn’t a martini…